Today's experiment is Nickelback's 2005 album All the Right Reasons.
Impressions going in:Nickelback are pretty much the undisputed reigning kings of Sucksylvania. That is both the beginning and the end of my knowledge about this band and their music. I actually had to do a little googling to even decide which of their godawful albums I should use because I knew so little about them. I ended up choosing All the Right Reasons because the internet tells me it is their best selling album, which has to put it right up there with the Titanic or the Hindenburg on the list of history's worst man-made disasters. I'm certain I've heard at least half a dozen Nickelback songs on the radio before, but for the life of me I can't bring any of them to mind. Looking over the song titles on all of their albums doesn't jog my memory either. I keep trying to hum the chorus to one of their songs, but every time it just ends up being Creed's "Higher." Something tells me that's not a good sign. Also, it turns out Nickelback is from Canada. Make of that what you will...
The Songs:
1) Follow You Home -
Here we go...
The guitars at the beginning alone tell me this is a band that takes itself entirely too seriously. Ooo, the lyrics are all dark and gritty. Obviously this guy's a rebel. Is there like a rhyming dictionary of bad-boy cliches? Because if not, I think Nickelback could write it.
2) Fight for All the Wrong Reasons -
Apparently repeating each line in a whisper is totally fucking metal. Ugh, this song is kind of disturbingly sexual. I do not like thinking that being in Nickelback can get you laid. We just had our first cookie monster scream on the album, you know what that means, DRINK! And, somehow that's immediately followed by a Bohemian Rhapsody-like vocal overdub section.
3) Photograph -
Ballad time! Ok, so this one I recognize. It seems like the kind of song that the student senate in high school would totally choose as your "class song." I can just see the sepia-toned photo montage now. Nostalgia - making half-wit rock stars even richer since 197? Seriously, I don't know how many ways this band can find to say "think about the past and get sad, and then buy our album."
4) Animals -
Ok, now we're back to melting faces. First mention of the devil, boy didn't see that one coming a mile away. It sounded like he just said "manimals." I think I actually like that better. "Must have wound up on the floor while we were switching our positions/ I guess they knew that she was missing/ As I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing." Excuse me while I vomit all over my keyboard.
5) Savin' Me -
Leaving the "g" off of "saving" tells the listener that this is a band that isn't afraid to let its hair down. I'm pretty sure this song is just a holding pattern for an EPIC CHORUS. A big echo effect over the repeating line "I'm fallin'" is the kind of touch that only a band known for its subtlety like Nickelback could pull off.
6) Far Away -
Ok ladies, it's acoustic guitar time, get ready to swoon. Kroeger's voice is kind of like vigorously rubbing sandpaper on your genitals. Add to the list of disgustingly transparent studio effects a distant echo effect on the lyric "Far Away." Seriously, where do they get this stuff?
7) Next Contestant -
So, the line "Just how many heads I'm tearing/ Off of assholes coming onto her" scans alright on paper, but the way he delivers it makes it sound like he's doing something unspeakable to your no-no area. Basically this song is "I'm a bigshot rockstar with a super hot girlfriend, and if you look at her sideways I'm gonna beat you up, or at least sing an angry song about it." Oh good, he just blamed the girl getting harassed on the outfit she's wearing. Classy.
8) Side of a Bullet -
So, if the title isn't enough of a giveaway, this one's another face melter. You know, when I think of bands with the intelligence and subtlety to pull off a song about gun violence, Nickelback is definitely the first band that comes to mind. If I'm remembering correctly, this song was meant as a eulogy to Dimebag Darrell. Way to throw salt in everyone's wounds, Nickelback!
9) If Everyone Cared -
Piano ballad time, brace yourself for suckitude. Hmm...I wonder which Hallmark greeting card they stole the lyrics to this song from. My heart is so warmed, I can't stand it. Or maybe I ate too much spicy food for lunch.
10) Someone that You're With -
This song pretty much consists of one ham-fisted four-note guitar riff repeated ad-nauseum. They just keep at it, even if it doesn't fit the lyrics anymore. That's persistence....or something.
11) Rockstar -
Last song, the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh great, it's a country song. Just what this musical abortion needed. Ahh...yeah, this chorus, I remember this too. I wish I hadn't. Rhyming tassels with assholes takes things to an all new level of ineptitude. Shout out to Pez dispensers = best part of the album so far. I've never known anybody who could make sex, drugs and rock and roll seem so unappealing until now.
The final verdict:
Nickelback's frontman Chad Kroeger is a musical genius the likes of which Rock has never seen. The dulcet tones of his voice and the soaring melodies in each Nickelback song are sublimely transcendent. What's more, his songwriting abilities make him a modern day Dylan. His lyrics display subtlety and nuance while still letting you know what a totally bitchin' badass rockstar he is. I can hardly wait to listen to more Nickelback so that I might drink from the fountain of pure enlightenment.
Just kidding! This thing sucks like the wind. I'm gonna go wash my ear canals with sulfuric acid.
If you have any suggestions for other terrible albums I should torture myself with, please email me at scott.unlsandwich@gmail.com
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